Breaking Through

Most of you know I have been on a journey to find a closer relationship with God. Some have been supportive, some not. And that's okay, I am only doing this for me and the generations to come after me, not to please anyone else.

The last few years have been eye opening to me. I realized that while I know of the things of God, that relationship wasn't in my heart. In fact, I lived for guidelines and rules rather than the relationship, and I am the only one to blame for that. I remember asking my dad about why certain things were the way they were, and his kind and wise response was that I was focusing only on the small stuff and needed to focus on my relationship with Him.

But I failed to do so, and when I needed to rely on that relationship the most, all I found in my heart were superfluous regulations that I didn't understand instead of the deep relationship that I needed. And I knew something had to be done; I had to seek His face with everything in me.

There is this incredible song by Peder Eide called Breakthrough.  It truly captures the essence of my turning point and moment of desperation, then resolution to seek Him no matter what.

I sing all the songs
I read all about You
I know right from wrong
What does it amount to?
If my life doesn't show
How much I love You?
[Chorus]
I need You to break through
Tear down the walls
Let everything fall
'Cause I want to praise You
With nothing between You and me
I need You to break through
I know there is more
I've yet to discover
So many things you want to uncover
I've been scratching the surface
I want to go deeper
[Repeat Chorus]
Break through the pride
Break through the shame
I've had enough of staying the same
Break through the fear
Open the gates
I'm getting tired of playing it safe
[Repeat Chorus 2x]
I need you to break through

If any must pass judgement on my actions then that is their cross to bear. But I will not be deterred from my goal of simply finding my relationship with Him. I've come so far already, and have grown so much in His word these last several weeks that I can say with certainty that my path is sure, I am confident in who I am in Him and I am moving forward. Thank you for your prayers and may God bless your steps.

Soft Shouts and Loud Pauses

What an incredible journey this has been, searching the Bible for myself. It began as a quest for answers, a search for truth. But the beautiful thing that is transpiring is God is showing Himself to me in such a beautiful, deeply passionate way and I’m finding a relationship with Him.

It’s interesting, this whole thing. In times past, God has spoken to me through quiet moments when I’ve pushed everything aside and focused on Him. He still does that, but oh my goodness it’s quite comical the way He has given me pause through one of those parental-styled corrections that makes the child feel busted.

This journey began because after having gone through a divorce and various other circumstances, I realized I needed to find God for me and not count on Him only as the God of my youth. I know the Bible; in fact, I can quote Scripture that will relate to many different aspects of life. But that’s only in my head, and not my heart. So this journey has been about being open-minded and transparent before Him and allowing Him to speak.

And oh my, I must be causing Him quite the myriad of emotions! In an effort to be absolutely transparent, His responses to my issues of distrust, broken heart, questions and at times, unbelief have been solid, sound and on time.

You see, my mind gets the better of me. All. The. Time. I’m analytical; it’s part of my job and just who I am. I analyze and over think everything from how invested I will allow myself to be in relationships to what shoes I’m going to wear and how they will reflect the essence of my thoughts that day (oh yeah, I have it bad). Before I respond to situations, I give them pause and debate on the reactions to every possible action that I could take, and then make a decision. A friend recently pointed out that I have a certain look when I’m processing things and that made me chuckle because it is definitely what I do.

But in my search for the answers to questions I’ve had for many years about holiness and other Biblical principles, God has grabbed hold of my analytical mindset and has been replacing it with simple faith. This hasn’t always happened in my quiet moments either; sometimes I’m kicking and screaming and God pretty much scoops me up and smacks some sense into my head until I bow my head in submission to Him. I’ve desperately been trying to find out all the answers right away to factoid questions about God while He’s over here going, “Yo, Amanda… umm I’m over here, chica. No idea where you’re going but I’m right here… just waiting on you to pick your head up and stop analyzing everything. Earth to Amanda…”

I honestly still don’t see the Biblical answers for many traditions that I grew up with but what I do know is I feel a deep, unsurpassed love from Someone I tried to push away years ago. And I have faith that He is real. I know He is real, and I know He is going to reveal Himself to me with patience and grace so that I can fully allow Him to guide my path without question.

Just the other morning, I woke up and could hear Scriptures speaking to my soul. It’s so incredibly strange, I know. It can’t be blamed on bad pizza the night before either, but I literally woke up with this passage resonating over and over and over again, clear as day:

“But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” (Matthew 6:33-34, ESV)

He already knows all of the desires of my heart, and as long as I seek Him first, He will take care of the rest. I’ve found this to be true in every relationship, whether it be spousal, dating, parental, coworkers, friends, family, etc. If He isn’t put first and kept as a common thread, the relationship has no real depth to it and won’t withstand the various situations that life brings.

Without Him, we are nothing. But with Him, we can do all things. I want to know Him like that.