Dating Post Divorce

Divorced. It’s common yet invokes a distaste and sense of sorrow when given as a status. People are often caught off guard, unsure of what side to take and if a shoulder should be offered or if they should give you the space needed to safely vandalize everything in your path. In an ironic way, the reactions of others to a divorce are somewhat comical. I still receive the occasional message stating, “I had no idea!” But I mean really, what was I supposed to do? Rent a billboard on the interstate? Post it on Facebook? Send out divorce invitations? I mean, hello.

According to a study performed by the University of Wisconsin, Madison, about 75 percent of divorcés later remarry, and men remarry at higher rates than women. But committing your life to someone again can (and should be) a very scary thing. I read an article called "32 Shocking Divorce Statistics" and cringed; many of these were my statistics. Shocking.

Dating after a divorce; now that’s a whole new ballgame. Someone somewhere must have a good laugh at our humanity when we try to take charge; I mean I’ve had a few embarrassing moments myself even that I’ve had to just laugh about. Before experiencing married life, dating was a fun, light-hearted adventure with no expectations and some relationships would grow to become more until that one someday became something wonderful and worth devoting the rest of your life to. Yet something happens when people have had that marital commitment come to a close, regardless of the reason. They’re out of their comfort zone, thrown back into the world of dating but at a stage in their lives that they weren’t really prepared for. And oftentimes, these circumstances cause them to act in ways that even they are embarrassed of.

I’ve been told that it’s wise to wait a month for every year that you were married before dating again, and that makes complete sense after seeing my own response to divorce and then dating. You simply have to find you again. There will be a void in your life that was previously filled with sharing life’s experiences with the one closest to you, and it’s common to want to fill that void in some way. But the best way to do that is by strengthening the person you are on your own. In time, romance will come. But finding that comfort zone of the single life (or single parent life) should take priority. Happiness isn’t found when you find someone else to make you happy; it’s found in the simple things that happen every day to us as individuals. Don’t let these moments pass you by because you’re wearing blinders and on a “manhunt” (or “womanhunt”). Bask in them and one day you’ll see you don’t need someone in your life to make you complete. Then it will come when you’re not even searching.

Sometimes, You Just Gotta Laugh

My baby loves making these bracelets... and we knew that she was captivated with the creativity that making these invoked in her. She absolutely loves making things and loves receiving praise for her creations. My daughter is definitely an artistic person with a little bit of dramatic flair and a spunky, independent personality. What parent wouldn't be proud of her creations?

We were... until we received the following email from her after school care facility:

Yep... that's her. After talking with her, we found out she was the culprit entrepreneur who was selling these bracelets for $5 each. Comically enough, she got the idea when she traded her phone charger for her first bracelet. But she one-upped them; when she sold hers, she wanted cash. What am I suppose to say after that? It's pretty comical and I'm a bit proud of her entrepreneural endeavors. It's hard to discipline in this case, so we asked her not to sell those there and laughed.

Yep, that's my kid.

Breaking Through

Most of you know I have been on a journey to find a closer relationship with God. Some have been supportive, some not. And that's okay, I am only doing this for me and the generations to come after me, not to please anyone else.

The last few years have been eye opening to me. I realized that while I know of the things of God, that relationship wasn't in my heart. In fact, I lived for guidelines and rules rather than the relationship, and I am the only one to blame for that. I remember asking my dad about why certain things were the way they were, and his kind and wise response was that I was focusing only on the small stuff and needed to focus on my relationship with Him.

But I failed to do so, and when I needed to rely on that relationship the most, all I found in my heart were superfluous regulations that I didn't understand instead of the deep relationship that I needed. And I knew something had to be done; I had to seek His face with everything in me.

There is this incredible song by Peder Eide called Breakthrough.  It truly captures the essence of my turning point and moment of desperation, then resolution to seek Him no matter what.

I sing all the songs
I read all about You
I know right from wrong
What does it amount to?
If my life doesn't show
How much I love You?
[Chorus]
I need You to break through
Tear down the walls
Let everything fall
'Cause I want to praise You
With nothing between You and me
I need You to break through
I know there is more
I've yet to discover
So many things you want to uncover
I've been scratching the surface
I want to go deeper
[Repeat Chorus]
Break through the pride
Break through the shame
I've had enough of staying the same
Break through the fear
Open the gates
I'm getting tired of playing it safe
[Repeat Chorus 2x]
I need you to break through

If any must pass judgement on my actions then that is their cross to bear. But I will not be deterred from my goal of simply finding my relationship with Him. I've come so far already, and have grown so much in His word these last several weeks that I can say with certainty that my path is sure, I am confident in who I am in Him and I am moving forward. Thank you for your prayers and may God bless your steps.

Soft Shouts and Loud Pauses

What an incredible journey this has been, searching the Bible for myself. It began as a quest for answers, a search for truth. But the beautiful thing that is transpiring is God is showing Himself to me in such a beautiful, deeply passionate way and I’m finding a relationship with Him.

It’s interesting, this whole thing. In times past, God has spoken to me through quiet moments when I’ve pushed everything aside and focused on Him. He still does that, but oh my goodness it’s quite comical the way He has given me pause through one of those parental-styled corrections that makes the child feel busted.

This journey began because after having gone through a divorce and various other circumstances, I realized I needed to find God for me and not count on Him only as the God of my youth. I know the Bible; in fact, I can quote Scripture that will relate to many different aspects of life. But that’s only in my head, and not my heart. So this journey has been about being open-minded and transparent before Him and allowing Him to speak.

And oh my, I must be causing Him quite the myriad of emotions! In an effort to be absolutely transparent, His responses to my issues of distrust, broken heart, questions and at times, unbelief have been solid, sound and on time.

You see, my mind gets the better of me. All. The. Time. I’m analytical; it’s part of my job and just who I am. I analyze and over think everything from how invested I will allow myself to be in relationships to what shoes I’m going to wear and how they will reflect the essence of my thoughts that day (oh yeah, I have it bad). Before I respond to situations, I give them pause and debate on the reactions to every possible action that I could take, and then make a decision. A friend recently pointed out that I have a certain look when I’m processing things and that made me chuckle because it is definitely what I do.

But in my search for the answers to questions I’ve had for many years about holiness and other Biblical principles, God has grabbed hold of my analytical mindset and has been replacing it with simple faith. This hasn’t always happened in my quiet moments either; sometimes I’m kicking and screaming and God pretty much scoops me up and smacks some sense into my head until I bow my head in submission to Him. I’ve desperately been trying to find out all the answers right away to factoid questions about God while He’s over here going, “Yo, Amanda… umm I’m over here, chica. No idea where you’re going but I’m right here… just waiting on you to pick your head up and stop analyzing everything. Earth to Amanda…”

I honestly still don’t see the Biblical answers for many traditions that I grew up with but what I do know is I feel a deep, unsurpassed love from Someone I tried to push away years ago. And I have faith that He is real. I know He is real, and I know He is going to reveal Himself to me with patience and grace so that I can fully allow Him to guide my path without question.

Just the other morning, I woke up and could hear Scriptures speaking to my soul. It’s so incredibly strange, I know. It can’t be blamed on bad pizza the night before either, but I literally woke up with this passage resonating over and over and over again, clear as day:

“But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” (Matthew 6:33-34, ESV)

He already knows all of the desires of my heart, and as long as I seek Him first, He will take care of the rest. I’ve found this to be true in every relationship, whether it be spousal, dating, parental, coworkers, friends, family, etc. If He isn’t put first and kept as a common thread, the relationship has no real depth to it and won’t withstand the various situations that life brings.

Without Him, we are nothing. But with Him, we can do all things. I want to know Him like that.

Self Reflection

Those who have known me for years know that I was raised in the home of a Pentecostal preacher.  Weekly family Bible studies were a norm in our household growing up.  My father was stern, he was incredibly wise and to this day, I hold the utmost respect for him. 

Being raised in church, I've been to the small churches and the big ones; have heard a wide variety of preaching styles and seen many different types of leadership.  Through it all, I've learned that leaders and bench warmers are at church for the same reason; they're both people who aren't perfect who are seeking after a perfect God.

Here is a little video of a sign language/praise team I was involved with several years ago. I'm the one with the afro in the middle of the platform!

Growing up as I did, I was heavily involved in church and ministry.  Music and people are my passion, and even though the events of life have given me pause to my involvement, I am constantly trying to help others reach their goals in fitness and be that confidant and friend to those in need.  It's almost bred in me, at this point.  I mean I am 31 years old... there is no walking away from the things of God nor the level of involvement that I have always had.  Believe me, I've tried to push the desire to be involved away and have recently found it is so much easier to just embrace it than to fight it.  Truly, I am one example of how legit Proverbs 22:6 is:

"Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it."

Praise singing with the choir; I'm on the front right.

Here's a video of a Block Party that we did a few years ago to reach out to a neighboring community. You'll see me wearing one of the yellow tshirts and helping at the sign-in table and also in the music.

Life happened though. And through everything, I am ashamed to say that I have never read the Bible for myself, and allowed Him to speak to me through it; unadulterated and without all the theories on the many different meanings a few words can have. Last week, I began reading the Bible on my own. It's not always easy, and I'm not going to lie, it can be a little mundane with the begats and the "therefore, my brethren"s. But I'm determined. I'm determined to find out Who He is to me, on my own, privately.

I've been focused on following traditions and standards instead of finding and nurturing my own relationship with Him.  It is beyond time that I do this.

Moving Forward

Today I spent the day focused.  The only music I have listened to is contemporary Christian and gospel music.  Three different entire sermons by different ministers have also been in my ears.  I have a goal to reach and I'm going to do everything I can to get there.  Don't even try to stop me!  :)

Discipline Challenges

You think you have it all figured out when you're a kid.  So ready to be a grown up so that all of life's troubling problems will just fade away.  The rules that grown ups bestow upon you make absolutely no sense and you know that when you grow up, things will be different for your kids. 

I remember this one time at my parents' old house in Deer Park.  Gabe or I (it's so hard to remember which one it was, we were always instigating things) had done something worthy of punishment and neither of us were fessing up to it. 

My dad ran a tight ship.  One look (you know, "the" look) and our cheeks clenched and we knew we were about to get busted.  So he sat all three of us down on the love seat and paced back and forth in front of us, belt in hand.  I remember staring at the peach colored threads that were woven through the dark blue fabric on the love seat, wishing that this moment would just pass; hoping that somehow he would be merciful and give us just this one. 

Dad firmly asked, "Amanda, was it you?"
Meekly I answered, "No..."
"Son, was it you?"
Gabe replied looking down at the carpet, "No."
"Alicia?"
Alicia answered, "Noooo!!"

Truth is, it was Gabe or I, and we weren't about to fess up for fear of that redneck-styled leather belt hitting our tails.  But Dad outsmarted us, as parents tend to do.  Unable to determine which of us was lying, he firmly declared that we could all turn around and bend over because we were all getting spanked for it.

It's one thing to get whooped for your own sins but to have a sibling get whooped for it?  Yeah that's a little hard to follow through with.  Especially when you know that they might lay in bed awake until you fall asleep and then draw on your face with permanent marker or put ants in your bed.  True story, really happens.

I grew up with so many spankings I now have to eat right and stay in the gym just to keep my rear on this side of the Mississippi River.  It was definitely an effective method of punishing us because well, we were quite bad.  But I vowed to never spank my children.

Fast forward twenty-five years or so... I now have a beautiful child of my own.  I remember the day she was born.  She turned purple right away because I couldn't figure out how to feed her right.  She fell off our really tall bed as an infant because I looked the other way for just a moment after she'd learned how to roll.  As a mother to this beautiful baby that God has given me, I've only wanted to protect her from all of the perils that life has to offer.

But then there are times... times when you know that your boiling point has been reached.  Times when you  think, "I'm about to be on CNN and I hope there's no recording of what I'm about to do to this child."  All of my promises to never spank my child are broken. 

Our family went through a divorce at the end of last year and Eric was the primary disciplinarian.  I was Celeste's confidant, her friend.  But after the divorce, I let her get away with too many things and I regret it.  I had that BAM, hit-me-in-the-face-moment during a dating relationship where she acted out and was defiant.  After speaking with friends about what she did and my lack of discipline, I realized I had to put the clear boundaries down now and oh my goodness that hasn't been easy.

Yesterday afternoon, we went to the gym after work, as usual.  Celeste didn't like something I said or did, so she was dragging her feet and walking behind cars an aisle away from me, pouting with her arms folded across her chest.  I gave her the warning look, and she called my bluff.  I dropped my purse, bag and keys down on the ground, ran over to her in my 5-inch heels and picked her up, threw her over my knee (oh yes, I was balancing on one foot supported by only a 5-inch heel) and popped her bottom good.  It's amazing how acrobatic you become when you're determined.

People stopped and stared.  Eyes were like saucers.  She looked around and started crying.  This one older man followed me closely into the gym and was looking at me with anger.  But really.  They don't know my child.  They don't know the situation.  She behaved the rest of the day, too.  In fact, after leaving the gym, she sweetly said, "Mommy, I really love you."  Unprovoked, unasked. 

Being firm isn't easy.  Knowing that I am embarrassing my child in order to get her to behave really is as painful to me as it is her (if not moreso).  I hate being the bad guy, but I know that if I let it go, she won't be able to function as a kind, respectful adult.  I have to keep telling myself that!

Moments that Take My Breath Away

She turned 7 years old just ten days ago.  My little baby girl is growing up so fast and I can't seem to find the pause button anywhere.  It seems like just yesterday my sweet doctor placed a tiny pink baby in my arms with light blond hair.  Her tiny little cries would set every single part of my body on alert mode until I could figure out what soothed her.  In time, I began to anticipate her needs and things were much more smooth.

She no longer fits in just my forearm, snuggled up in a tightly wrapped satin blanket; rather her head is rapidly approaching my shoulders. The sweet little cries that use to rivet me have turned into soft whispers at night of, "I love you, Mommy." 



Sweet little note Celeste drew for me at work a couple weeks ago

She still captivates my heart with her giggles and wrestling, and her overly dramatic moments where she tries to be a grown-up make me laugh when I should be stern.  I mean how are you suppose to spank a child for not listening to you when she's creatively making a castle out of the paper towel rolls in the aisle at HEB, in just a few brief moments?  It's incredible how one little person can completely change your world.



Shopping in Kroger on Monday



She is her own person; special, unique and my little girl.  She loves her high heels, and pink is her favorite color to wear.  Anything sparkly and bright suits her just fine, and her clothes definitely portray her personality.  She is very independent and is desperately trying to grow up while I am grasping to turn the hands of time backward. 

She loves to chase mosquito hawks, catch roly poly's and dangle live crawfish by their antennae.  Her eyes light up when she puts on my gym socks and wears them with her sparkly Toms (all because they're Mommy's).  My girly tomboy! 

Such an awesome responsibility and blessing, being a parent.  How can I possibly describe the love for my child?